In The Doghouse With The Missus

PLAYWRIGHT enters his apartment, late. In the living room, NEW YORK THEATRE SCENE waits for him in the dark.

PLAYWRIGHT: (Turns on the light, starts when he sees NYTS.) Oh. Hi. What were you doing sitting here in the dark?

NEW YORK THEATRE SCENE: Where were you?

PLAYWRIGHT: Uh...I was...I told you. I was out.

NYTS: You were with...her...weren't you?

PLAYWRIGHT: Baby, I was—

NYST: —Don't "baby" me, you prick! I can smell her perfume on her!

PLAYWRIGHT: Come on, don't be like that. I mean...yes, Chicago Theatre Scene and I had dinner and danced a bit. That was all.

NYST: Did you kiss?

PLAYWRIGHT: (Pause.) No.

NYST: You sure?

PLAYWRIGHT: (Pause.) A little.

NYST: (!!!)

PLAYWRIGHT: She kissed me. There was no tongue. It was just a polite goodnight peck, that's all!

NYST: Really?

PLAYWRIGHT: (Pause.) There was a little bit of tongue.

NYST: (Almost faints.) I KNEW IT!

PLAYWRIGHT: But come on wait wait wait, sweetie—

NYST: —You're in love with her, aren't you?

PLAYWRIGHT: No!

NYST: You can't stop talking about her...

PLAYWRIGHT: Look, New York Theatre Scene, it's just...

NYST: And I found your love letter to her. Sitting on your blog, for everyone to read, no less!

PLAYWRIGHT: That's just...hey. You and I, we've been together for nearly 10 years. I met Chicago Theatre Scene and we hit it off. It's just...it's nice to flirt and be flirted with, you know? It's been a while. (Pause.) Maybe I got a little carried away.

NYST: ...

PLAYWRIGHT: I mean...you even said yourself if I wanted to see other Theatre Scenes, I could. Hell, you're still seeing a ton of other Playwrights.

NYST: You don't love me anymore.

PLAYWRIGHT: Oh, come on. Don't be like that. Seriously. We're about to have another child together. Would I seriously leave you just before you're due?

NYST: (Starts sniffling.) You think I'm fat now, don't you?

PLAYWRIGHT: Oh, no, sweetie, come on. You're beautiful.

NYST: I'm a whale...

PLAYWRIGHT: Oh, no, you're adorable. You know that, right?

NYST: (Snff.) ...yeah...

PLAYWRIGHT: And you know I love you. Right?

NYST: (Snff.) I know...

PLAYWRIGHT: Of course, you big silly. CST means nothing to me. Now c'mere.

NYST: ...kay...love you, too...

Playwright hugs his life partner of nearly 10 years. Tries to push New York Theatre Scene's head down lower, but is denied. Fine, fine. He knows he shouldn't press his luck.

Still wanting to go dancing with you again, Chicago,

James "Call Me" Comtois