Revvin' the Engines

We're locking down the cast for The Blood Brothers Present...The Master of Horror and waiting for King's people to approve the press release, so once both of those things are confirmed, we'll be releasing both.

I'm heading off to Maine yet again for Labor Day weekend to attend my cousin Vance's wedding and returning just in time to start rehearsals for the pilot episode of Speed Demons, Nosedive's contribution to Vampire Cowboys' Saturday Night Saloon, which opens Saturday, September 6.

Speed Demons is my attempt to combine the 1960s Go-Go Road Trip movie with the Faustian tragedy. Or, to be more prosaic, it's about a greaser driving cross-country in his hot rod while the devil chases after him in his jalopy. It should be a fun time.

In addition to Speed Demons featuring Christopher Yustin, Leah Carrell and Daryl Lathon, as was the case with last year's serial, Pinkie, I'll be acting in this one as well. This time, however, I will not be the lead (to be blunt, I'm too damn old and chubby to be a hot young greaser, thank you very much).

Your soda poop,

James "Fizzyshits" Comtois

Pinkie and Other Colors

As we gear up for our third and penultimate weekend for Colorful World, which I am getting happier with with each successive weekend, I wanted to once again remind folks that tonight at 7 p.m. at UNDER St. Marks, the first Drafthouse@Under St. Marks will be presenting a reading of my serial western noir play, Pinkie, as a full-length piece.

Having originally written it to be viewed in five installments as part of Vampire Cowboys’ Saturday Night Saloon series, yet at the same time created to work as one whole cohesive story, I’m very much looking forward to hearing how it sounds all together.

Did I mention it's real cheap (five bucks) and that drinks will be served?

Join me?

Head in the clouds,

James "Cowboy Hero" Comtois

Horse Trade and Abe Goldfarb present

The Drafthouse@Under St. Marks
a play-reading salon

This month:

PINKIE
by James Comtois

Directed by Pete Boisvert

with: Marc Landers, Christopher Yustin, Becky Comtois, Gyda Arber, Ben Trawick-Smith, Ben VandenBoom, Pete Boisvert, Jason Leibman, Anna Kull, Matt Johnston

When: Wednesday, May 21st at 7pm

Where: Under St. Marks (94 St. Marks Place between 1st Ave. and Ave. A)

Suggested donation of $5

Drinks served

For the first installment of The Drafthouse, Horse Trade's new reading series, they'll be presenting Pinkie by acclaimed playwright James Comtois. Told as a serialized old West potboiler, Pinkie follows the exploits of former Pinkerton detective "Dusty" Denton as he falls into a world of intrigue, danger, possum urine and desire.

PINKIE was originally developed in Vampire Cowboys Theatre Company's Saturday Night Saloon.

This Wednesday: PINKIE

Hey, folks. I know I've been shilling for Colorful World like there's no tomorrow (and thanks to all who have or are about to see it), but if you can also make it to this this Wednesday (it's ultra-cheap, and there's BOOZE), well, that would be pretty freakin' sweet, too...

Horse Trade and Abe Goldfarb present

The Drafthouse@Under St. Marks
a play-reading salon

This month:

PINKIE
by James Comtois

Directed by Pete Boisvert

with: Marc Landers, Christopher Yustin, Becky Comtois, Gyda Arber, Ben Trawick-Smith, Ben VandenBoom, Pete Boisvert, Jason Leibman, Anna Kull, Matt Johnston

When: Wednesday, May 21st at 7pm

Where: Under St. Marks (94 St. Marks Place between 1st Ave. and Ave. A)

Suggested donation of $5

Drinks served

For the first installment of The Drafthouse, Horse Trade's new reading series, they'll be presenting Pinkie by acclaimed playwright James Comtois. Told as a serialized old West potboiler, Pinkie follows the exploits of former Pinkerton detective "Dusty" Denton as he falls into a world of intrigue, danger, possum urine and desire.

PINKIE was originally developed in Vampire Cowboys Theatre Company's Saturday Night Saloon.

Weekend Hijinks

This weekend, the Giants won the Super Bowl, Vampire Cowboys concluded their first Saturday Night Saloon Series (where Nosedive wrapped up its Wild West Noir serial, Pinkie) and the Welding Club performed the pilot episode of its sitcom for the stage, 3800 Elizabeth. All in all, a pretty packed weekend for Yours Truly. (Not that I really had anything to do with the Giants winning the Super Bowl. I was with them inspirit only. But you know what I mean.)

Having now finished Pinkie, I have to say, participating in the Saloon series was an incredible amount of fun. I had never written a serialized show before, so I was happy to take the challenge. We may very well see how the show looks all together as one full-length play, although I definitely enjoyed making every episode a distinctly different and (semi-)self-contained story while having each episode serve the overall arc of the giant story.

The other fun and nerve-wracking challenge with writing Pinkie was realizing that I had a definitive cap to writing/telling the story: I had five episodes at 15-25 minutes each to tell the story. And episode five was going up February 2, which meant that, come hell or high water, the story would have to be completely wrapped up long before then. This meant that I ostensibly had to stop "writing" for episode five: no wondering what it'd be like if Blossom and Harry had a scene together, no exploring Stubby's relationship with his "ladies," no forgetting any major threads. The plot had to be resolved at this date, in under a half an hour, No Matter What.

It was a lot of fun.

Many thanks to Abby, Qui, Robert and the rest of the Vampire Cowboys crew for letting Nosedive participate in this. And many congratulations to the other writers and groups who were involved. I'm mildly bummed that I won't be milling around with y'all every month.

So, with the Saloon out of the way and Colorful World still in the pre-production stages, I'll once again direct your attention to 3800 Elizabeth, Aaron Baker and Frank Padellaro's sitcom for the sage, complete with fake commercials and catchy opening theme song, playing every Sunday at the Battle Ranch until March 16.

It's some fun. And it's free. What more could you want?

I'm looking forward to seeing the next episode.

Relieved that January's over,

James "Oh, Wait. I Hate February" Comtois

Final Episode of Pinkie This Saturday

Well, gang. The Saturday Night Saloon series is coming to a close. It's been a blast, but of course now's the time to wrap things up and conclude the first season of serial plays.

Hope to see you at the Battle Ranch this Saturday for the thrilling conclusion of Pinkie, Nosedive's Wild West Noir, as well as the other four excellent serials presented.

Wrappin' it up,

James "Tidy Boy" Comtois

Wrappin' Stuff Up

With the final episode of Pinkie finished and sent off to the cast (WOO-HOO!), that makes today "Finish Rewrites on Colorful World Day." I mean, sure, I'll most likely do some more retouches later this month (and possibly February), but for all intents and purposes, today’s the day where I (theoretically) finish all the initial rewrites to get the script in a solid enough position to be read aloud by the folks in Nosedive Central.

I guess this means that, starting next week, I begin my completely new writing project for real (which I'll keep under my hat for the time being, if that's okay).

Next week I'll offer more details about what we at Nosedive Central have decided our 2008 season will look like. Suffice it to say, we've had to make a few small changes here and there to our original plans, but regardless, we’re pretty happy about what we've come up with and what we plan to do for the year.

Anyway, that's it for me for the week. Have a good weekend, folks. I’ll talk to you on Monday.

Almost done his Nosedive writing obligations,

James "Lazy Bitch" Comtois

Episode Four of Pinkie This Saturday Night

Now that I've posted by "Best Of" list and have been back in the city for nearly a week, it's time to resume the blatant plugging.

The fourth entry of Vampire Cowboys' monthly Saturday Night Saloon series, featuring the penultimate episode of Nosedive's Old West noir, Pinkie, takes place this Saturday night at 8 p.m. the Battle Ranch on 111 Conselyea Street in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

To get everyone up to speed, in Pinkie, William "Dusty" Denton, an ex-Pinkerton Agent, is starting life anew as an independent private investigator in a small Colorado town after leaving the Pinkerton National Detective Agency. Stubby Gilbert, the local saloonkeeper, has hired Dusty to discover the identity (or identities) of the person (or persons) throwing rocks in the windows of his saloon and harassing him outside his home late at night.

Stubby believes the perpetrators of this harassment are the farmhands of Jason Norris, profiteer, entrepreneur, and the sheriff's cousin. After Stubby leaves Dusty's office, Charlie Burnside, a Pinkerton Agent and Dusty's old partner, shows up to intimidate Dusty enough to drop Stubby as a client. Despite Charlie's threats, Dusty insists that he'll take Stubby's case and be paying Mr. Norris a visit.

Upon entry of the Norris ranch, Dusty finds the proprietor, Jason Norris, deader than a doornail, hit on the head by a blunt object. It is at the ranch that Dusty meets Blossom, a prostitute working for Stubby that is seeing Norris on the side and under the radar, unbeknownst to her employer.

Dusty convinces Blossom that he is not Norris' killer, then Blossom catches on that Dusty is a private investigator, and (falsely) assumes that Stubby has hired him to either intimidate Norris or find blackmail material to make Norris turn over his antique arquebus: according to Blossom, both Jason Norris and Stubby Gilbert have claimed to be the antique gun's rightful owner, as both have claimed their great-great grandfathers used it to win a duel.

However, ownership of the gun may be a moot point, since the gun is now missing (and Norris may have been the only person who knew of its whereabouts).

After Blossom leaves the Norris ranch, Dusty hears the farmhands, Mike and Harry, approach. Hiding, Dusty overhears Mike and Harry panic, then get intimidated and briefed by Charlie, who has shown up for some unknown reason. At some point, Mike says something about Sally blowing her stack if she finds out Norris is dead.

Dusty escapes the ranch and heads over to Stubby's bar & brothel, the Arcade Saloon, with his assistant Eileen Clayton. While going over their notes on the case, and agreeing that Mike and Harry are unlikely suspects to Stubby's recent harassment (they being, let's face it, wimps), Dusty and Eileen are approached by a drunk and angry ne'erdowell named Leland, who apparently has a seething hatred against Pinkerton Agents. Leland is distracted and sedated by one of the Arcade's prostitutes, Sally (the same Sally Mike mentioned). According to Sally, both Stubby and Blossom are unavailable (Stubby's out sick, Blossom's out...entertaining).

Dusty learns from Sally that a Pinkerton Agent killed Leland's brother in the Northwest Railroad Strike a few years back and in the "What Are the Odds" department, not only was the Pinkerton's involvement in the strike one of the reasons why Dusty left the Agency, but it turns out that Jason Norris used to own the Northwest Railroad.

Leland returns to the Arcade to talk with Sally, and by "talk," I mean, "threaten." What's he threatening her with? It's hard for Dusty to say: it sounds as though that Leland's insisting that Sally find Jason Norris' missing arquebus, but nothing can be confirmed for sure. Dusty decides to intervene in Sally and Leland's argument, which angers both Sally and Leland, who both leave the saloon.

Upon their departure, Charlie and two other Pinkerton Agents arrive at the Arcade, ready to arrest Dusty. Arrest him for what? Charlie never says: he pistol-whips the ex-Pinkie, who falls unconscious.

Will all - or any - of this begin to make sense in episode four? Show up to the Ranch this Saturday to find out.

Dancing as fast as he can
to write episode five,

James "Home Stretch" Comtois

Pinkie Episode Three Photos

Enjoy!

Episode Two

PINKIE

Episode II: Former Clients, Former Colleagues

By James Comtois

BLOSSOM: (Either off-stage or directly to the audience.) The Pinkerton National Detective Agency was a nationwide private detective agency established by Allan Pinkerton in 1850. The agency's logo, an eye embellished with the words "We Never Sleep," inspired the term "private eye." During its height, the Pinkerton Detective Agency employed more agents than the U.S. standing army. By the 1890s, some believed the organization was a necessary force in maintaining peace and order while remaining under the radar. Some believed Pinkertons, or "Pinkies," were corrupt mercenaries hired by Robber Barons to infiltrate labor unions and intimidate strikers...

If BLOSSOM is on-stage, she now exits.

The following is an audio montage of lines from last month's episode.

VOICE: (Off, prerecorded.) Previously, on Pinkie...

STUBBY: (Ibid.) I was told that this store was bought to be a detective agent's office...

DUSTY: It is. How can I help you?

STUBBY: My name's Stubby Gilbert. I run the Arcade Saloon.

DUSTY: I'm Dusty Denton.

STUBBY: Lately, I've been dealing with some threatening behavior. I've woken up to the sound of people on horseback circling around my home and screaming nasty insults. Also, the windows of the Arcade have been broken by rocks. I have reason to believe this is the work of Jason Norris. He had expressed interest in purchasing the Arcade. When I told him it wasn't for sale, he stopped being polite.

DUSTY: Do you have Mr. Norris's address?

STUBBY: Yes. If you're going over there, make sure you have at least two guns. His boys are always-

DUSTY: -I don't even have one gun, Stubby. I refuse to carry one.

CHARLIE: I was told that Dusty Denton had opened up a detective agency in this town and I could find him at this address. I'm Charlie. Charlie Burnside.

DUSTY: What are you doing here, Charlie?

CHARLIE: Oh, hey now. Is that any way to treat your old partner?

DUSTY: We have no business together, Charlie. Not anymore.

CHARLIE: No, but you see, Dusty. We do. I've heard that Stubby is thinking of hiring you to help him with his predicament. You're no longer a Pinkerton Agent. You have no right snooping around the Big Boys' turf. Stubby is our client.

EILEEN: That's just awful. Our first client and we have to turn him down.

DUSTY: We won't be turning him down, Eileen. I'll be paying Mr. Norris a visit.

End of audio recap.
Darkness.

DUSTY: (In darkness.) Mr. Norris? Mr. Norris? The door was open. Are you here? Where's the...ah... (Finds a lantern and lights it. The newly lit room in Mr. Norris's house reveals a DEAD BODY on the floor.) Have to say, you have an enormous...(Sees body.)...house...(Approaches body cautiously.) Mr. Norris, I presume? (Check's the BODY'S pockets. Finds wallet. Takes out identification, unfolds it and reads.) Well, there goes my one and only suspect. And lead.

BLOSSOM enters.

BLOSSOM: (As she enters.) You do like to make a lady hunt, don't you, Mr. Norr- (Sees DUSTY and BODY. Looks horrified. Screams.) Oh my God oh my God what have you done? Who are you what are you doing here? Murder! Murder!

DUSTY: Settle down miss. Settle down. I'm unarmed.

BLOSSOM: What are you doing here?

DUSTY: Same thing you're doing: discovering Norris's body and trying to keep my wits together.

BLOSSOM: You're not armed?

DUSTY: No, miss. Are you?

BLOSSOM: Of course not!

DUSTY: Miss, the body's cold. He's been dead for a while now. If I did this, I wouldn't be waiting around for someone like you to come along.

BLOSSOM: (Catching her breath and regaining her wits.) You a friend?

DUSTY: No. But neither are you, or you would have referred to Mr. Norris by his Christian name.

BLOSSOM: Who are you?

DUSTY: My name's William. And I'm just as shocked as you are to find Mr. Norris like this.

BLOSSOM: You with the Sheriff?

DUSTY: No.

BLOSSOM: You a Pinkie?

DUSTY: I assure you, no.

BLOSSOM: Then what are you doing here?

DUSTY: I might ask you the same thing, since neither of us live here and both of us entered uninvited.

BLOSSOM: I was invited, sir. Mr. Norris was expecting me.

DUSTY: Then you got one up on me.

BLOSSOM: You are snooping, though. You've got that Pinkerton stink all over you.

DUSTY: It's hard to wash off.

BLOSSOM: Stubby asked you here, didn't he? (DUSTY says nothing.) I thought so. I knew he'd take his grudge with Mr. Norris so far he'd hire a Pinkie to intimidate him. (Pause.) I'm right, aren't I?

DUSTY: You tell me. Like I said, you know Mr. Norris, but aren't on a first-name basis. Plus, you've gone from screaming banshee to smooth spitfire in under 60 seconds. Now look, lady. You're at the scene of a murder crying crocodile tears. I think it's in your best interest to start explaining yourself.

BLOSSOM: Fine. Mr. Norris is-was-a client of mine.

DUSTY: Client.

BLOSSOM: Do I have to spell it out for you?

DUSTY: My former colleagues used to complain I was a little slow.

BLOSSOM: (Sighs.) I'm a-

DUSTY: -It's fine. You're a prostitute, I know. I had a hunch when you walked in.

BLOSSOM: (!!!)

DUSTY: I'm not judging you. Girl's got to make a living. And let me guess. You work for Stubby at the Arcade and I'm guessing not as a barmaid. (She opens her mouth to speak.) Since you know there's no love lost atwixt the two gentlemen, I'm guessing this job is on the side and under the radar, unbeknownst to Stubby. This is why I'm guessing you have no intention of contacting the Sheriff. It's fine. I was planning on doing that.

BLOSSOM: For a private investigator, you talk an awful lot.

DUSTY: My former colleagues used to complain I was a little uncouth.

BLOSSOM: You don't know everything.

DUSTY: I actually know a lot less.

BLOSSOM: What exactly are you looking for, William?

DUSTY: For starters, your name.

BLOSSOM: Oh. Blossom.

DUSTY: Well, Blossom. So far I've got everything right, haven't I?

BLOSSOM: Fine. It's true: I work for Stubby Gilbert along with three other women at the Arcade. It's no secret. Nor is it a secret that Mr. Norris paid handsomely for entertainment. That he was discrete and not abusive and wanted our secret to be a secret as much as I did made the offer too good to refuse.

DUSTY: He hire any other women from the Arcade?
BLOSSUM. Not on your life. I think I was the only one he trusted.

DUSTY: Don't sell yourself short, Blossom. I'm sure he found more than just your loyalty appealing.

BLOSSOM: Careful, Pinkie. Are you looking for answers or a date? I sincerely doubt you can afford what I was charging Mr. Norris.

DUSTY: I told you, Blossom, I'm not a Pinkie. And if I'm looking for a date, I promise I'll go through Stubby first.

BLOSSOM: Something tells me I shouldn't hold my breath waiting for that appointment.

DUSTY: You wouldn't want to end up like Mr. Norris.

BLOSSOM: You do know how to sweet-talk a lady.

DUSTY: My former colleagues used to complain I was a little artless.

BLOSSOM: I'll concur.

DUSTY: Who do you think killed Mr. Norris?

BLOSSOM: I haven't the slightest. Why would Stubby hire you if-

DUSTY: -Who ever said Stubby hired me?

BLOSSOM: He did, didn't he?

DUSTY: Why would he hire me?

BLOSSOM: Not the most subtle sleuthhound, are you?

DUSTY: Another complaint my former colleagues had.

BLOSSOM: How did you deal with all that griping?

DUSTY: I quit.

BLOSSOM: I suppose that's one way to deal with that.

DUSTY: It beats all the work involved in self-improvement.

BLOSSOM: I'd be willing to bet Stubby hired you to either intimidate Mr. Norris or find blackmail material to make Mr. Norris turn over his antique arquebus.

DUSTY: (Poker face.) Mmn.

BLOSSOM: Well, let me tell you, William, I do think Stubby is a decent man and a decent employer but what he's doing hiring you stinks. He has no right to Mr. Norris's arquebus and no business trying to take it from him.

DUSTY: Why didn't Stubby ask for this...I'm to assume priceless...? (BLOSSOM nods.) ...heirloom as payment for the Arcade?

BLOSSOM: He did. Mr. Norris was vaguely interested in buying the Arcade, not intent upon it. When Stubby insisted that his antique gun was the only payment he'd accept, Mr. Norris rescinded the offer. The Arcade's prospering, but it's not that valuable.

DUSTY: And this gun is?

BLOSSOM: Stubby figures it's worth enough to retire early on.

DUSTY: Who's telling you all this?

BLOSSOM: Both Stubby and Mr. Norris. They both refuse to stop complaining to me about the other.

DUSTY: And Stubby's willing to blackmail and extort for this arquebus?

BLOSSOM: Well, Stubby believes he's the rightful owner. That gun, according to him, was stolen from his great-great-grandfather.

DUSTY: Have you seen it?

BLOSSOM: The gun? Oh, yes. Mr. Norris had it hanging above his mantelpiece until Stubby started asking about it.

DUSTY: Where is it now?

BLOSSOM: No idea. Mr. Norris hid it. May not even be in the house.

DUSTY: Well, the place doesn't appear to have been robbed, so if whoever did this was after the gun, they knew where to look and didn't disrupt anything. Except, of course, for Mr. Norris's well being.

BLOSSOM: Stubby wants the arquebus, but I don't think he'd kill for it.

DUSTY: Stubby says it's his great-great-grandfather's. I'm assuming Mr. Norris was saying something similar.

BLOSSOM: Both claim their great-great-grandfather used it to win a duel.

DUSTY: I'm also assuming there's no engraving on it to make this all easier if we find it...

BLOSSOM: None that I saw when it was on display.

DUSTY: Of course not. That would make life easy.

BLOSSOM: And we both know that's never the case.

DUSTY: I take it you're not buying Stubby's side of the story.

BLOSSOM: I have my doubts. Mr. Norris has been a shrewd businessman, but he's no thief. And if an ancestor did steal it, it's a bit too late to be claiming ownership.

DUSTY: Tell that to the Indians.

BLOSSOM: Mmn.

DUSTY: At the risk of sounding rude, for a girl of the line, you do sound a lot like Mr. Norris's biographer.

BLOSSOM: You're certainly right about being rude.

DUSTY: I plead guilty.

BLOSSOM: Another complaint your former colleagues had?

DUSTY: You'd think they'd find at least something nice to say to break the monotony a little.

BLOSSOM: What can I say? Mr. Norris is dead. I'm rattled. When I get nervous I end up talking too much.

DUSTY: Fair enough. Makes my job a little easier.

BLOSSOM: Besides, it's not as if I have anything to hide.

DUSTY: Aside from having Mr. Norris as your client.

BLOSSOM: Which you have no reason to repeat to anybody.

DUSTY: I've been in town less than a day. I have no friends to tell.

BLOSSOM: You're a funny one, William. You're not like the other Pinkies.

DUSTY: I actually take that as a huge compliment.

BLOSSOM: Most would insist on "free ones" to keep quiet.

DUSTY: That sounds like my former colleagues.

BLOSSOM: So you were a Pinkie.

DUSTY: Like I said, hard to wash off that stink.

BLOSSOM: Look, whatever Stubby's hired you to do, I don't care. Personally, I don't think he's entitled to Mr. Norris's arquebus, but it's really none of my business. Fella's got to make a living. Anyway, I should go. (Starts to exit. Stops.) You know, thanks to Mr. Norris, I have a lot more money than you would believe. Find out who did this. I'll pay you a handsome reward, William.

DUSTY: What if I need to see you again?

BLOSSOM: You know where to find me. (Exits.)

DUSTY: (To himself.) "Speak" to. "Speak to" you again. Come on, Denton. You're supposed to be smoother than that. (Pause. Looks at the BODY.) Well, Eileen. We got ourselves a dead body and a Hooker With a Heart of Hate, telling me some bosh about some missing heirloom. Still, maybe I should look into this story about this priceless gun. Well, not sure if there's any point lingering here talking to myself. Maybe a cursory look around the place then a visit to the Sheriff's to-

HARRY: (Off.) Mike! Hey, Mike!

MIKE: (Off.) Yeah, what?

HARRY: (Off.) Put that down and get in here!

MIKE: (Off.) Why do you need me, Harry?

HARRY: (Off.) Mr. Norris said he wanted to see both of us. Now come on!

DUSTY exits to hide. MIKE and HENRY, no older than 19, enter.

MIKE: I swear, Harry. Norris says frog and you...(They see the BODY.)...jump...

HARRY: Holy smokes.

MIKE: Sweet Jesus.

HARRY: What the hell happened here?

MIKE: We got to get the Sheriff.

HARRY: You kidding? He'll think we did it!

MIKE: Halfwit, he'll think we did it if we don't go to him!

HARRY: This is a nightmare...

MIKE: Sally's going to blow her stack...

HARRY: Mike, you gotta forget Sally. She's the least of your worries.

MIKE: I guess so.

HARRY: Norris got more than he bargained for with the Pinkertons.

CHARLIE enters.

CHARLIE: I say, my ears are ringing. (MIKE and HARRY stiffen.) Now, what are we boys...(Sees BODY.) Oh. I...see. (Very deviant, haughty tone.) In a spot of trouble, are we, boys?

HARRY: We didn't do this, we swear!

MIKE: We just got here, Detective Burnside, honest!

CHARLIE: (Examining the BODY.) Calm down, boys. This body's cold. Been dead several hours. Blow to the head with a blunt object. I know you boys aren't murderers. You don't have it in you?

MIKE: How would you know that?

HARRY: For Christ's sake, shut up, Mike!

CHARLIE: It's in the eyes. The posture. Whether or not there's piss running down the pant legs at the sight of a corpse. (Both MIKE and HARRY check their pant legs.) You do my job as long as I have, some things you can recognize as easy as your mother's face. Harry's right, by the way. Mike, Sally's the least of your worries. Stubby already thinks you're a bad egg. He finds out you're sweet on one of his girls, he's sure to have you bite the ground and leave you like your former employer here.

MIKE: How did you know that-

CHARLIE: -I have my sources. We Never Sleep.

MIKE: I mean, blazes, Detective Burnside. Do you think Stubby's as dangerous as he's been wanting us to believe? You don't think he'd go so far as to-

CHARLIE: (Notices lantern.) Thought you boys said you just got here.

HARRY: We did!

MIKE: No less than a minute after you!

CHARLIE: (Indicating lantern.) Then who lit that? (Silence.)

HARRY: That was on when we got here.

CHARLIE: Someone's been here since Mr. Norris was killed. (Silence.)

MIKE: Who?

CHARLIE: I have an idea. I also have a good source who can fill me in on some of the missing pieces.

HARRY: Who?

CHARLIE: (Pause.) Boys, I think you better go. Go tell the Sheriff to get here right away. I think he'd like to know his cousin is dead. I'll search the house to see if anything was stolen. I probably won't be here by the time you get back, but tell the Sheriff I'll be at my hotel in an hour if he needs to contact me.

HARRY: Okay.

MIKE: Sure thing, Detective Burnside. Let's go, Harry.

CHARLIE: Oh, and one more thing, fellas. There's a bad egg that's just come into town. He'll most likely be snooping around the area, acting like a Pinkerton Agent. I assure you, he's most certainly nothing of the sort. My colleagues and I have reason to believe he's very dangerous and intends to rob the Norris estate. When you're done with the Sheriff and whatever final chores you had to do for Mr. Norris, come to my hotel and I'll give you all the information you need on this curly wolf and how you can take him down if you cross paths.

MIKE & HARRY: Yes, sir.

HARRY: (To MIKE.) Told you Norris got more than he bargained for with the Pinkertons.

MIKE: For God's sake, Harry, shut up! (MIKE and HARRY exit.)

CHARLIE: (Looking around. Pulls out gun.) Whoever's been here, you best still not be around. You woke up the wrong passenger. (Exits through different hallway than

DUSTY:)

DUSTY reenters, checks hallway Charlie went down. Looks at Norris's BODY.

DUSTY: (To Norris's BODY.) Don't know about you, Norris, but I could certainly go for some tongue oil and some ladies of the line.

TO BE CONTINUED

© 2007 James Comtois

To Get Everyone Up To Speed...

...I'm posting the scripts to the first two episodes of Pinkie. Episode Three, "Local Color," goes up tomorrow night at the Battle ranch.

Here's episode one:

PINKIE

Episode I: What’s That Smell? (Pilot)

By James Comtois

CHARLIE: (Either off-stage or directly to the audience.) The Pinkerton National Detective Agency was a nationwide private detective agency established by Allan Pinkerton in 1850. The agency's logo, an eye embellished with the words "We Never Sleep," inspired the term "private eye." During its height, the Pinkerton Detective Agency employed more agents than the U.S. standing army. By the 1890s, some believed the organization was a necessary force in maintaining peace and order while remaining under the radar. Some believed Pinkertons, or "Pinkies," were corrupt mercenaries hired by Robber Barons to infiltrate labor unions and intimidate strikers...

If CHARLIE is on-stage, he now exits.

EILEEN and WILLIAM "DUSTY" DENTON enter a storefront that's in disarray.

EILEEN: What's that smell?

DUSTY: It's the smell of a new life, Eileen.

EILEEN: Smells of possum urine.

DUSTY: We'll air it out. It'll do.

EILEEN: I don't know, Mr. Denton. I think word of mouth that this place stinks of possum piss is gonna drive customers away.

DUSTY: Come on, Eileen. That's no way to think. With a bit of grit and some elbow grease, we'll get this place in shape in no time.

EILEEN: I hope so. I'm feeling light-headed.

DUSTY: Oh, you're being melodramatic.

EILEEN: I'm getting the vapors.

DUSTY: Crack a window, then.

EILEEN: I was going to ask you how you could afford a place like this, but now I know.

DUSTY: Oh, hey now. I'm pretty sure within a week you'll be thinking of this place as your home away from home. Plus, it wasn't that cheap.

EILEEN: Pinkies get paid well?

DUSTY: I did.

EILEEN: And judging by the sound of your voice you want me to keep talking about this.

DUSTY: (Smiles.) Always were a sharp one, Eileen.

EILEEN: Thank you, Mr. Denton.

DUSTY: Please, Eileen. Mr. Denton's my father's name. Dusty's fine. Or even William.

EILEEN: I'll see what I can do, Mr. Denton.

DUSTY: Fair enough. Will you look at this place? I love it already.

EILEEN: You seem chipper today.

DUSTY: Well, what can I say? I have a good feeling about this. But who knows? Maybe that's just because it's the first day, and nothing's happened to sour my mood.

EILEEN: Could be.

DUSTY: So let's find out what's causing that stink and get rid of it.

EILEEN: (Sighs.) Fine.
They start trying to put things in order, cleaning up chairs and moving aside trash. While they do so, a sullen-looking man, STUBBY GILBERT, enters.

STUBBY: Uh, excuse me? Is this...is this the...whoo! What's that smell?

DUSTY: We're not sure. Eileen thinks a possum micturated in the closet.

EILEEN: Not in the closet. On every square inch of this place.

DUSTY: Eileen...

STUBBY: It's pretty strong.

EILEEN: I think it got the curtains, too-

DUSTY: -We're working on it. How can I help you?

STUBBY: Anyway. Is this the Pinkerton Agency?

DUSTY: Ah, no, not exactly.

STUBBY: Oh. But I was told that this store was bought to be a detective agent's office...

DUSTY: Oh, it is. But I'm not a Pinkie. As in, I was, but not...how can I help you?

STUBBY: Well, my name's Stubby Gilbert. I run the Arcade Saloon, about four doors down.

DUSTY: Oh, hello. I'm Dusty Denton. This is my assistant, Eileen Clayton.

STUBBY: Pleased to meet you both.

EILEEN: Likewise.

DUSTY: How can I help you?

STUBBY: Well, I am in need of some help. You're a private investigator?

DUSTY: I am.

STUBBY: How much do you charge?

DUSTY: The standard rate is ten dollars a day plus expenses.

STUBBY: That seems more than reasonable.

DUSTY: I believe so.

STUBBY: I don't know if I can trust you, but...

DUSTY: Well, that makes two of us.

STUBBY: Pardon?

DUSTY: We've just met. There's no reason for either one of us to trust one another. But that's a risk we'll have to take for now.

STUBBY: Fair enough.

DUSTY: So, how bout you tell me your story and I'll let you know if I can help you?

STUBBY: Okay.

DUSTY: Eileen? You ready?

EILEEN: Yes, Mr. Denton. (Begins to take notes.)

STUBBY: Like I said, I run the Arcade Saloon four doors down. I bought it from Skinny Walker three years ago. I have all the paperwork proving its legitimacy if you need-

DUSTY: -Stubby. I've been a resident of this town for roughly one hour. Yes, I'm a private investigator, which makes me suspicious by nature. But I have no reason yet to not take its residents or businesses at face value. If you say you run the local saloon, you run the local saloon.

STUBBY: Oh. Sure. Well, I run a good, clean establishment. And it's been profitable, too. But lately, I've been dealing with some threatening behavior from a group of ne'erdowells.

DUSTY: Threatening? How do you mean?

STUBBY: Well, I've woken up late at night to the sound of people on horseback circling around my home and screaming nasty insults.

DUSTY: Death threats?

STUBBY: Well, not exactly. Mostly just insults. But it's definitely threatening. Also, the windows of the Arcade have been broken on more than a couple occasions by people throwing rocks.

DUSTY: Any of them have notes attached to them?

STUBBY: No, sir.

DUSTY: Okay. Now...are you sure these incidents are related? Maybe this is a series of coincidences? Just..."boys being boys?"

STUBBY: I don't think so. These incidents have been happening too often to make me think it's just a coincidence. Plus, they do coincide with another incident.

DUSTY: Which is...?

STUBBY: I have reason to believe this is the work of Jason Norris. He's a profiteer. Makes his fortune on a number of industries all at once, ranging from dry goods to the railroads. He had expressed interest in purchasing the Arcade. When I told him it wasn't for sale, he kept trying. When I insisted, he stopped being polite about it. Started telling me that I was being a damn stubborn fool and that the saloon would be his within six months time and I should just accept that as fact. When I refused to budge, he stopped asking. Kept to himself from then on.

DUSTY: So the harassment began shortly after he stopped asking you about the Arcade?

STUBBY: Yes, sir. And he has some ne'erdowells, young kids, no older n' fifteen, sixteen, working for him as hired hands. I have reason to believe they're the same kids that have been harassing me these past few days.

DUSTY: Now, why would he want the Arcade so badly? If he already has other prospects, I can't imagine-

STUBBY: -It's the most lucrative business in six counties. Norris wants to settle down here. He just built a house. He has no interest in going back east. Plus, he's always been used to getting his way. If he wants something, he doesn't take no for an answer.

DUSTY: Has anyone been hurt?

STUBBY: No, not yet. But I don't want to wait around until they do.

DUSTY: I understand. Now, may I ask why you don't just talk to the sheriff about this? I met him earlier this week and he seems like a reasonable man. If you just-

STUBBY: -The sheriff is a reasonable man. And a just man. But when it comes to Norris, he's completely blinded.

DUSTY: They have history?

STUBBY: You could say that. They're cousins.

DUSTY: Fair enough.

STUBBY: No, the sheriff would just say I'm being paranoid and mean-spirited and trying to ruin the reputation of a good man with no proof.

DUSTY: I see.

STUBBY: So can you help me?

DUSTY: Perhaps. Do you have Mr. Norris's address?

STUBBY: Yes. I wrote it down right here. (Hands DUSTY a piece of paper. DUSTY takes it.) It's about eight miles south of the center of town. Right by the river.

DUSTY: Okay, thank you.

STUBBY: If you're going over there, make sure you have at least two guns. His boys are always-

DUSTY: -I don't even have one gun, Stubby.

STUBBY: Oh. Well, if you need, I'm sure you could see Jimmy and he could get you a good deal on-

DUSTY: -I haven't misplaced my gun, Stubby. I refuse to carry one.

STUBBY: Ever?

DUSTY: Ever.

STUBBY: But, Mr. Denton...

DUSTY: Dusty, please.

STUBBY: Well, Dusty, Norris's boys are pretty rough. You should have a gun on you if you're going to confront him.

DUSTY: I assure you, Stubby. I no longer carry a firearm. Even if I did, I would never use it. I don't believe I need one.

STUBBY: Suit yourself. Sounds like suicide to me, but I s'pose you know what you're doing.

DUSTY: I always suppose that myself.

STUBBY: What? Oh. Right. Well, anyway, if you want to come by to the Arcade tomorrow to keep me posted, or to just have a drink on the house, or...well, let me know.

DUSTY: Will do.

STUBBY: Thank you, Dusty. Welcome to town! (They shake hands, STUBBY exits.)

DUSTY: Well, that's good news! Our first client and our first case on Day One!

EILEEN: Things are looking up, Mr. Denton.

DUSTY: I guess we'll have to put the cleaning on hold and get to work.

EILEEN: I suppose so.

DUSTY: I'll check out the address Stubby gave me first thing tomorrow...okay, you know what? The smell's really getting to me.

EILEEN: I can barely stay conscious, Mr. Denton.

DUSTY: Do you think the general store is still open? I'm going to get some cleaning supplies.

EILEEN: Only one way to find out.

DUSTY: Right. I'll be right back. (Exits. Pause. Enters.) Eileen?

EILEEN: Yes, Mr. Denton?

DUSTY: Where is the general store?

EILEEN: I believe it's right in the center of town.

DUSTY: Okay. (Thinks about it.) Okay.

EILEEN: You're a detective, Mr. Denton. I think you can find it.

DUSTY: Right. Right! I am. (Determined and confident, he exits.)

EILEEN resumes cleaning with what little resources she has. CHARLIE BURNSIDE, a well-dressed man, enters, admiring the place.

CHARLIE: What's that smell?

EILEEN: Oh, that. Yeah, sorry.

CHARLIE: Smells like possum urine.

EILEEN: We're trying to air it out. Can I help you?

CHARLIE: Yes. I was told that Dusty Denton had opened up a detective agency in this town and I could find him at this address. True?

EILEEN: Well, yes. He's not in at the moment, but if you'd like to wait...

CHARLIE: Well, I can't stay long.

EILEEN: He should just be a minute. He left to pick up some supplies.

CHARLIE: (Walking around the room.) Gotta say, Dusty's done quite well for himself.

EILEEN: Are you a friend?

CHARLIE: Oh, yes. An old friend from home. (Extends hand.) I'm Charlie. Charlie Burnside.

EILEEN: (Accepts hand.) Eileen Clayton.

CHARLIE: Charmed. You know, I've known Dusty a long while and he never mentioned anything about you...

EILEEN: Well, oh, no. We're not...I just work for him.

CHARLIE: Ah, I see. Well, I can see why he hired you. (Pinches her cheek. EILEEN looks uncomfortable.) If he needs to have an assistant around him all day, might as well have someone easy on the eyes.

EILEEN: (Breaks free. Cold.) Well, yes. Thank you. I think he needed help organizing files.

CHARLIE: Our boy's got a lot of files already?

EILEEN: Well...it's our first day.

CHARLIE: So it is, so it is.

EILEEN: Now, perhaps it may be a while longer, if you'd like to just relay a message and let me know where you're staying I could tell Mr. Denton-

CHARLIE: (Definitely more sinister.) -Oh, but Miss Clayton. I thought he'd be here any moment. Are you telling me to leave?

EILEEN: (Nervous.) Well, no, I didn't exactly say that...

CHARLIE: I thought Dusty would want someone with manners to be mining his...store.

EILEEN: Mr. Burnside, I believe-

CHARLIE: -Charlie, please.

EILEEN: Mr. Burnside, you are being unnecessarily forward, and I don't believe Mr. Denton would appreciate this behavior.

CHARLIE: (Cornering EILEEN) Oh, I'm sure when Dusty sees me, he'll forgive my garish conduct. We are, after all, old friends.

EILEEN: Why am I finding that hard to believe?

CHARLIE: (Grabbing her by the wrists.) You've got a mouth on you, Miss Clayton. Guess Dusty's not one for teaching his staff manners.
DUSTY enters, holding bags of supplies.

DUSTY: Wow, Eileen. Our first day and we already have... (DUSTY and CHARLIE face each other. DUSTY's smile falls. Silence.) Charlie.

CHARLIE: (Letting go of EILEEN.) Hello, Dusty. Good to see you again. (Silence.) Don't you feel the same about me?

DUSTY: What are you doing here, Charlie?

CHARLIE: Oh, hey now. Is that any way to treat your old partner?

EILEEN: Mr. Denton, this person said you were old friends from home...

DUSTY: (Not taking his eyes off CHARLIE) Did he now?

EILEEN: Is everything okay?

DUSTY: Well, I don't know, Charlie. Is everything okay?

CHARLIE: You know, I was beginning to think your pretty little assistant here had acquired a nasty attitude on her own, but it's clear now who she looks to for her sense of hospitality.

DUSTY: Get the hell out of here, Charlie.

CHARLIE: Oh, and see I was hoping we could at least play nice for a few minutes before getting down to business.

DUSTY: We have no business together, Charlie. Not anymore.

CHARLIE: No, but you see, Dusty. We do. I've heard that Stubby is thinking of hiring you to help him with his predicament.

DUSTY: How the hell did you find that...that's none of your business.

CHARLIE: I mean, I'm proud of you trying to start things up anew for yourself. Really, I am. But I did want to let you know that the Pinkertons can take care of this one.

DUSTY: What?

CHARLIE: After all, it is your first day. Why don't you take things slowly, solve some small, fun cases? You know, getting to the bottom of Mrs. Crabtree's missing linens? Or discovering the whereabouts of Texas Steve's missing horse? Or even find out who's fucking the sheriff's wife? Something like this, with Stubby, well...you may be in over your head. You don't have the resources needed to investigate such a matter.

DUSTY: It's none of your business, Charlie.

CHARLIE: No, but you see, Dusty. It is. You're no longer a Pinkerton Agent. You have no right snooping around the Big Boys' turf. Stubby is our client.

DUSTY: The hell he is.

CHARLIE: (Pulls out his gun.) You misunderstand, Dusty. He's our client if you know what's best for you. (Silence.) Now, do you want to settle this honorably, or...oh, wait. That's right. You don't have a piece anymore, do you? Get all shaken carrying it. I forgot.

DUSTY: Get the hell out of here, Charlie.

CHARLIE pistol-whips DUSTY, who falls to the ground, tripping over a chair. EILEEN yelps out in surprise.

CHARLIE: With pleasure, you cowardly traitor. I was just trying to be nice here, Dusty, on account of our, you know, "history."

EILEEN: Get the hell out of here, you brute!

CHARLIE: (Pause.) All right. Fine. Since this is your first day, Dusty, I'm going to be nice. Tonight, enjoy your housewarming. Tomorrow, you call that barkeep and tell him you won't be able to take his case. The Pinkerton Agency will take care of it. (Exits.)

EILEEN: Oh, Mr. Denton. Mr. Denton! Are you okay? What a monster!

DUSTY: I'll be okay, Eileen. Thank you, thank you.

EILEEN: That's just awful. Our first client and we have to turn him down.

DUSTY: We won't be turning him down, Eileen. I'll be paying Mr. Norris a visit. Right after we get rid of that God-awful smell.

TO BE CONTINUED

© 2007 James Comtois

Episode Three of Pinkie This Saturday!

Well, since A Very Nosedive Christmas Carol is still a week away, those needing an intermediate Nosedive fix should come on over to the Vampire Cowboys Battle Ranch this Saturday to check out the third installment in the Saturday Night Saloon series.

For Season 07-08, Vampire Cowboys launches its newest adventure in awesomeness, THE SATURDAY NIGHT SALOON, a semi-monthly party at THE BATTLE RANCH featuring brand new genre-bending serialized plays by NYC's hottest indie theatre artists. From Sci-fi Teenage Sex Comedies to Old West Film Noir, these new series will have you foaming at the mouth for the next installment.

And the best part, it's all FREE!

Plus for a $5 donation, all-you-can-drink beer (or until we run out).

THE SHOWS TURN UP THE VOLUME IN EPISODE 3!
COME CELEBRATE THE HOLIDAYS - SALOON STYLE!

Featuring all new exciting ongoing series by:

James Comtois
Co-Artistic Director of Nosedive Productions

Michael Lew
Member of The Ma-Yi Writers Lab

Jeff Lewonczyk
Co-Artistic Director of Piper McKenzie Productions & The Brick Theater

Robert Ross Parker
Co-Artistic Director of Vampire Cowboys

Webb Wilcoxen
Member of LAByrinth Theater Company & Developing Artists Theater Company

Saturday, December 1st, 2007
@ 8 p.m.

FREE ADMISSION!
at THE BATTLE RANCH
111 Conselyea Street, #2L
Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Click here for a map!

Saturday Night Saloon Schedule:
Saturday, September 29th, 2007
Saturday, October 27th, 2007
Saturday, December 1st, 2007
Saturday, January 5th, 2008
Saturday, February 2nd, 2008